How journaling became the saving grace for my mental health during 2020.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Journaling is the one consistent thing I’ve done this year that’s been the biggest contributing factor in managing my mental health.
It’s been making waves through social media as “#bujo” over the years but I find that particular branch is very much a “do it for the ‘gram” or “Insta likes” affair revolving around superficial aesthetics. It lost some of its integrity in that regard. Strip that down however and you find that it’s actually a worthwhile cause on an individual level. Journaling is a personal and intimate endeavour. There is no right or wrong way to go about it, you just need to have an open mind and be willing to give it a go. It’s about being honest to yourself with the thoughts and feelings you experience. From you. By you. For you.
First of all, there’s no need to make it look neat and fancy, journaling isn’t a visual practice or an artistic exercise, it’s a mental one. Ditch the idea of perfection let it be a true reflection of your thought process. Forget about it being nice, presentation isn’t the end you be all here. Don’t worry about mistakes or crossing things out This isn’t a test, there’s no failure here and no presence looming over your shoulder. Fuck that shit. Imperfections are normal and human. There’s no place for flawlessness, leave it behind and out of the window. A journal shouldn’t be perfectly manicured or curated either, what matters is the content. There’s no time pressure when it comes to journaling, you can do it at your own pace. Journaling also isn’t about quantity vs quality; each person will have their own use and need for it. You’re free to use it as little or as much as you think and feel you need.
I use journaling in the form of a two-way method: a daytime notebook and a nighttime journal. In the past, I relied on my Notes app but there’s just something about pen and paper. It’s more authentic and organic. I believe there’s more weight and meaning when you take the time to write them down. I like to keep thoughts and ideas separate from emotions and feelings. It helps me navigate my way through the day and keep lines from being crossed. For me, they need their individual space and different time slots. I think of this as “compartmentalisation” to reduce mental clutter and overload” it’s my own version of “There’s method in the madness.” #mariekondowouldapprove.
My notebook’s purpose is task orientated and it helps me frame and record work related matters. My thoughts and ideas in the day tend to be loose and not fully formed yet, they need time to become more rounded. Think of it like brewing tea or coffee, the longer you leave it the stronger it gets. I note down things that pop into my head in my notebook to give them room to grow through the day because my initial thoughts need space to turn into more polished ideas. The point is that fleeting thoughts develop into more solid ideas when given time and space. For me, writing them down in a notebook enables me to facilitate them and encourage that process. I’m able to change or add to them as I go during the day.
I bought myself the One Line A Day-A Five Year Memory Book, to help navigate 2020. This particular style of journal felt right for me as it was more accessible and inviting. The format seemed less intimidating, instead of the pressure of writing pages worth of words, I could summarise a day with a few lines that could be filled with whatever I wanted to say. Journaling became my platform in terms of coping with things. My new strategy to handle depression and anxiety. In the evening, I use my nighttime journal as a reflective tool and medium to summarise the day I’ve had. I like to end the day and hit bed on a lighter note headspace wise. It’s my own kind of therapy. My take on mindfulness. Night-time when I’m winding down is the allocated period for my thoughts. It’s the opportunity for things I put to one side during the day are allowed to become front and centre. This is when I can give them the space to be entertained and accommodated.
These feelings and emotions used to wreak havoc to my day, I penned them in my journal there and then at their heaviest but they always came back, stronger and harder to manage and make sense of in the evening. That’s how I wrote during the early stages. If they were raw, dark and intense then I wouldn’t sugar coat how I interpreted them, “take it as you see it” becomes “write it as you feel it”. Take the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. Through thick and thin. Sunshine and rainbows. I had to take it all on board and try to make some sense out of it. I wanted to keep their essence and true nature as much as possible. I tried to keep and record an honest account so when I look back, I could see the changes and spot the growth and development. Looking back in hindsight, I think this was the process of building mental perseverance and emotional resilience.
In the past, it felt like they were dialled up to critical level, they required a lot of energy, but I was running on fumes, I needed to be able to address them with more than a half tank of fucks to give. Thanks to journaling, I’m in control now and I get to dictate when I want to address them, not the other way round. Gradually over time, I’ve been able to make myself less mentally tormented and emotionally vulnerable to them through journaling. I recognise them but firmly suggest they wait their turn or come back when I’m more capable of giving them the time and space they need especially if they’re heavier emotions and more serious matters. Through journaling, I’ve learned how to handle them through acknowledgement instead of ignoring them. I don’t pretend that they haven’t emerged or manifested anymore.
No-one and I mean no-one, wants to end the day or settle into bed in a foul mood. It sets up waking up in the middle of the night or being restless and not being able to sleep until you process whatever it is you were suppressing. The physical manifestation of this for me, is when I’m flipping over pillows thinking that’s the problem when I know what’s really keeping me up are the unfiltered and unprocessed stuff in my head. I hate that, I hate when my mind doesn’t rest or let me get some kip. It means jostling and shifting through the night trying to ignore it, sometimes it still happens but not like the past, now it’s something that hardly occurs anymore and I think the journal has been key to that, it became a deterrent and final measure.
It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes 21 days to break a habit, or so the saying goes and with that in mind, my initial goal was to reach 3 weeks’ worth of journal entries. Week by week. Set the time in the evening to slow down and reflect and try to sum it up with a new few lines and perhaps most importantly, try to be in the right headspace and open mindset to do it. The initial start-up was the first hurdle to overcome and get past. It was about making it a new part of my daily routine. It wasn’t smooth sailing by any means, I admit there were days I didn’t want to write because I was in no mood to do it. I had to frequently remind myself that what I write doesn’t always have to be meaningful and that was okay. After that, the remaining days to equal a month seemed much easier to round off the first month. Then it’s week by week again, a fortnight’s worth of journaling meant half a month under my belt. The halfway mark and checkpoint. Then one more week and we’re at the home stretch. It requires patience and understanding that you need guiding away from bad habits in favour of more productive and healthy ones. Healing isn’t linear.
There’s a certain point where you have to accept that what you write may- and in my case, will sound shit and mean fuck all. It’d a little while before I’m able to write down anything of value and meaning. No need to wax lyrical when there’s a pigsty to deal with, take it for what it is and deal with it. These things take time, effort and consistency. It means working on shit you might have suppressed and not letting them take up anymore “mental real estate” than it already has done. Tough Love and a pinch of salt are sometimes a necessity. I’ve realised it’s all about the mindset and conditioning. Breaking it down to small bitesize pieces, plucking away at it one chunk at a time helps a lot. Small steps. Little changes. It’s still going in the right direction and adds up in the end to make the bigger picture. That might wax lyrical but fuck it. Sometimes positive prompts really do work wonders.
Writing in my journal as the last part of an evening routine suited me. What I end up writing is more feelings and emotions orientated because these also form through the day but I don’t write or record them right away as opposed to my thoughts and ideas. I acknowledge them but don’t stop what I’m doing, I don’t have to entertain or accommodate them immediately. I just pause for a bit and give them a few moments to make themselves known. I don’t let them take centre stage and steer me away from the task at hand. I hear them, but don’t stop everything I’m doing for them. They have their designated slot in the evening and night because that’s when I’m freer and will be more open to them. Now that I’m making progress and feeling better, I do try to end the night on a more positive note or as neutral as possible because I believe and know from experience that negative thoughts can often manifest in your dreams and turn into nightmares. That’s a whole other kettle of fish, enter the Dream Log — “Alexa, play the Inception Soundtrack on Spotify.”.
Journaling has been responsible for helping me get overwhelming thoughts and feelings out of my headspace. There’s a feeling of weight being lifted and I do feel lighter for it. It’s helped a lot. I’ve found that writing them down in a journal means they’re acknowledged, addressed, recorded and resolved. I can make sense of them, reflect on them then put them to rest. That’s how powerful a tool it can be, it’s given me some control back into my life. Journaling has stopped my unanswered emotions and musings from plaguing me like they used to, they no longer dictate my mental health and emotional wellbeing. I’m able to remind myself that how I may feel and think doesn’t have to be so heavy all the time. I’ve regained balance, I feel more grounded and level-headed because of journaling. I’m a more capable person thanks to journaling. I’m now able to handle things in a healthier way, I’m also in a better state than I was at the start of the year and compared to previous years through journaling. I know this’ll be an ongoing process and I’m happy to commit to it because the results are positive and worthwhile.
