Rainy Days Ahead…
I need to figure out how to navigate the next week or so…
It’s going to be raining for a while and that’s going to be a personal and mental hurdle for me. Rainy days are something of a battle I have here and there that I never look forward to. My mood gets really bad and my way of thinking becomes more clouded. I feel sadder, detached from myself even, sometimes I’m somewhere been numb and very low. Rain filled days become something like danger to navigate. I feel heavy headspace wise; I feel somewhat outside my body or as if I were seeing it from a third person perspective. The grey and dark clouds make things feel colder, heavier and bleaker. The sound of rain outside makes me feel anxious and unsafe even though there are walls and windows between me and the elements I feel uneasy.
My doubts and fears seem to come through stronger and more often when rainy days happen. The rain feels like worrisome thoughts trying to get in, the rain often sounds like it’s coming in waves because of the wind. The wind makes the sound of the rain stronger and more menacing, sinister even, it makes me feel like I’m not safe even though I’m protected against them. I feel weaker during rainy spells, like I have less energy and less control. Rain filled days make me want to retreat to bed and hide under the covers. I want to sleep through it to get away, hoping when I wake it has stopped and gone away. Rainy days make me look inward but it feels like I’m getting dragged there without a choice. I feel really vulnerable during rainy days, I feel like I’m not in control of my mood or thoughts. Rain filled days cripple me, they make me scared.
I want to curl into a ball and rock back and forth sometimes, as if it would somehow make me feel more safe and less afraid. Inner demons break through, dark thoughts creep in and feeling hopeless and helpless occur during rainy days. Time feels slower during days with rain spells, I want shelter for my mind and body but it feels unattainable, unreachable even. It’s as if I can’t weather the storm, that storm being inside my head. I feel more deflated and already defeated when long periods of rain happen. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting weaker and weaker as the rain continues to pour. The biggest problem I have is when my mind takes off and draws up my fears and doubts, they become front and centre and chip away at me internally. I question my place and self-worth; I doubt myself and my ability to control my thoughts and take control of my mind. I feel inadequate, a waste of space, time and effort. I question my relevance in everything and the world.
Rainy days feel like a mental prison I place myself under, the rain feel like piercing questions. The wind stirs up choppy waters in my head, the grey clouds feel like they mirror my mind. Rainy days are hard for me to get through, it’s a challenging obstacle that takes it out of me when they happen. Rainy days make me question my place and standing, they bring out the things I’m hiding from, not doing and don’t want to address. The rains bring out my doubts, fears and insecurities. They make me realise my shortcomings and inadequacies and how I’ve left them unanswered and unchecked. It represents my lack of accountability and disregard for my inability to put the work in for myself. It breaks down walls and shields I use to protect myself from facing the consequences of not acting to better myself. It’s a period where my mind brings out these pitfalls front and centre.
