The lost art of asking someone how their day was…
I think I end up irritating people and annoying them when I ask them this question, most of that probably stems from the shrugs, grunts or bleak answers that I often got in return from my family over the years and continue to do so. No one seems to want to answer or talk about it. I ask out of care and interest even if it comes across as small talk but over the years it’s become a routine question that I ask but expect very little if not nothing at all in terms of a response. I never got asked that as a child, so I thought if I then ask them first, I might get a reply and an opening but it really never amounted to anything. Nor would I get asked how my day was.
Whether it was coming back from work or school, my parents and sister have never seemed or open to telling me but the strange thing was meal times around the dinner table was when it would sometimes come up. It became a filler, over the noise of cutlery on the plate and food being eaten at best. That would always leave me a feeling like I was acting or rather asking in vain. When I ask my friends how their day or week has been it was never done in a way to illicit some kind of response, I genuinely wanted to know and cared but I never felt like I had that with my family.
Over time I didn’t mind as much when it came to my parents, they work long hours, both of them are nurses, I learned to adopt their possible mindset coming home after work. As soon as the key was turned and the door was open, they were free from the confines of that “I’m at work” frame of mind. Home was a safe space, a resting ground and a place to recharge. The work and the day had been done and didn’t need to be talked about unless they wanted to.
As I got older, I accepted that this was just the way my parents preferred things to be. I still ask, out of routine if anything now but never expect much from them. That’s just how they are perhaps being Asian parents and because of Asian parenting they experienced themselves, which always seemed harsher, colder even. I’m not saying it’s “tiger like” but it leaves a lot to be desired. Asian families seem to have this auto pilot system of “seen and not heard” and “speak if only absolutely necessary” which doesn’t really make for good dialogue or open lines of communication at all.
Wanting to connect through conversation felt futile, like a lost cause or a fruitless endeavour. It became something of an underdeveloped skill and unpractised tool, it wasn’t just with my immediate family, it extended to relatives as well. Small talk became the go to. The norm, especially with elders. Always told and taught to be respective towards them out seniority and authority but I could never really connect with them, conversations felt forced most of the time, so I adhered to small talk that I learned to mimic from my parents growing up. The whole “product of your environment” might seem trite but nonetheless true. It’s easy to adopt what you’ve seen, heard and experienced at home because that’s what you grew accustomed to. It’s what you know and were exposed to growing up, meaning there’s always the likelihood you end up becoming a lot more like your parents than you thought over time. Whilst it’s not exactly ground-breaking or unheard of, it’s quite sad still.
